Coaching Tips
JUNE 2017: THERE IS ONLY NOW
Three reflections on time: Those words -- "There is only now" -- decorate a postcard by artist Paul Madonna, and since I am a future-tense kind of person, I've propped the card where I see it every time I lift my eyes from my computer. Second, overheard in NYC two weeks ago, one young woman to another, "But who has the TIME to slow down?" Third, this from philosopher Robert Grudin: "It is possible to be simultaneously amazed at the slowness of minutes and the speediness of years. Oddly enough, this pathetic double amazement bespeaks a single cause: our inability to make proper use of the present." Stop a moment or just slow down: In your current "now," what matters most? Put your attention there.
Three reflections on time: Those words -- "There is only now" -- decorate a postcard by artist Paul Madonna, and since I am a future-tense kind of person, I've propped the card where I see it every time I lift my eyes from my computer. Second, overheard in NYC two weeks ago, one young woman to another, "But who has the TIME to slow down?" Third, this from philosopher Robert Grudin: "It is possible to be simultaneously amazed at the slowness of minutes and the speediness of years. Oddly enough, this pathetic double amazement bespeaks a single cause: our inability to make proper use of the present." Stop a moment or just slow down: In your current "now," what matters most? Put your attention there.
MAY 2017: FINDING THE OTHER DOOR
Are you well and truly stuck? It seems like most of us have one place at any time where we don't see an alternative, a way out, a breakthrough. When I'm in that place -- can't get myself up and out to the gym or don't seem willing to launch the project I claim to want to -- I'm chagrined to remember this quote from the author Caroline Myss: "Managing the power of choice, with all its creative and spiritual implications, is the essence of the human experience." No thanks! But recently I discovered this line in a William Stafford poem called "Smoke" that cut through my resistance: "Wherever you are, there is another door." This image is a worthy companion because it gives my imagination something to do. Close your eyes -- what might your door look like? Let it stay closed but see it in full detail. I believe that if you call your other door up in reflection time after time, it will happen -- you'll find it open. You'll have another way out.
Are you well and truly stuck? It seems like most of us have one place at any time where we don't see an alternative, a way out, a breakthrough. When I'm in that place -- can't get myself up and out to the gym or don't seem willing to launch the project I claim to want to -- I'm chagrined to remember this quote from the author Caroline Myss: "Managing the power of choice, with all its creative and spiritual implications, is the essence of the human experience." No thanks! But recently I discovered this line in a William Stafford poem called "Smoke" that cut through my resistance: "Wherever you are, there is another door." This image is a worthy companion because it gives my imagination something to do. Close your eyes -- what might your door look like? Let it stay closed but see it in full detail. I believe that if you call your other door up in reflection time after time, it will happen -- you'll find it open. You'll have another way out.
APRIL 2017: DON'T FALL INTO AN IDENTITY CONVERSATION
In Difficult Conversations, authors Stone, Patton, and Heen maintain that while most of us focus on what happened in a contentious situation and how we feel about it, we're most successful when we work with what they call the Identity Conversation: "What does this say about ME?" Focused there, we're at first off balance and less skillful because we're worried about how we're being seen and judged. Self-protection and defensiveness shut down possibilities for learning and even finding common ground. The authors suggest that three common identity questions underlie most conflicts. They are: Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love? Which of these is most likely to trip you up? Knowing what drives your vulnerability is the first step in believing more fully that you're both fallible and valuable, and from that foundation of belief, difficulties are more easily resolved.
In Difficult Conversations, authors Stone, Patton, and Heen maintain that while most of us focus on what happened in a contentious situation and how we feel about it, we're most successful when we work with what they call the Identity Conversation: "What does this say about ME?" Focused there, we're at first off balance and less skillful because we're worried about how we're being seen and judged. Self-protection and defensiveness shut down possibilities for learning and even finding common ground. The authors suggest that three common identity questions underlie most conflicts. They are: Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love? Which of these is most likely to trip you up? Knowing what drives your vulnerability is the first step in believing more fully that you're both fallible and valuable, and from that foundation of belief, difficulties are more easily resolved.
MARCH 2017: KNOWING WHEN YOU'RE DONE
All our contemporary emphasis on perseverance overlooks the fact that everything has a natural lifespan, even work or activities we dearly love. We've all witnessed a successful format that people get invested in and try to prolong when it's time to move on, yet it's harder to handle when you're the invested one. I've been musing about this because I recently made the difficult decision to bring to a close my teaching at Stanford Continuing Studies. I've been there for 10 years and taught a whopping 37 courses for them and the Graduate School of Business. People are still signing up. Why stop? Because inside me I knew it was time. It's hard because I have now been teaching adults for 30 years solid, at 7 different institutions, and it has been truly wonderful. Maybe I will do more, but not before a pause. Consult your internal wisdom: Are you done with something and reluctant to recognize it? Make friends with the dilemma. You'll find your way -- but only if you're willing to acknowledge the reality.
All our contemporary emphasis on perseverance overlooks the fact that everything has a natural lifespan, even work or activities we dearly love. We've all witnessed a successful format that people get invested in and try to prolong when it's time to move on, yet it's harder to handle when you're the invested one. I've been musing about this because I recently made the difficult decision to bring to a close my teaching at Stanford Continuing Studies. I've been there for 10 years and taught a whopping 37 courses for them and the Graduate School of Business. People are still signing up. Why stop? Because inside me I knew it was time. It's hard because I have now been teaching adults for 30 years solid, at 7 different institutions, and it has been truly wonderful. Maybe I will do more, but not before a pause. Consult your internal wisdom: Are you done with something and reluctant to recognize it? Make friends with the dilemma. You'll find your way -- but only if you're willing to acknowledge the reality.
FEBRUARY 2017: AVOIDING CAPTURE
Three events conspire to cause mental suffering, according to Dr. David Kessler: "narrowing of attention, perceived lack of control, and change in emotional state." His new book Capture suggests this mechanism of mental hijacking underlies our problems with mood, performance, and obsessive thinking. The best strategy involves "actively changing what occupies our attention" and allowing ourselves "to feel support and connection instead of preoccupation with the self." These ideas echoed for me the Dalai Lama's assertion that over-focus on the self is the root of suffering. In our current national situation, this is more important than ever: What will you turn away from and what will turn toward in this next month? How will you remind yourself to avoid capture and reach out for connection?
Three events conspire to cause mental suffering, according to Dr. David Kessler: "narrowing of attention, perceived lack of control, and change in emotional state." His new book Capture suggests this mechanism of mental hijacking underlies our problems with mood, performance, and obsessive thinking. The best strategy involves "actively changing what occupies our attention" and allowing ourselves "to feel support and connection instead of preoccupation with the self." These ideas echoed for me the Dalai Lama's assertion that over-focus on the self is the root of suffering. In our current national situation, this is more important than ever: What will you turn away from and what will turn toward in this next month? How will you remind yourself to avoid capture and reach out for connection?
JANUARY 2017: WHAT ONE THING ...?
It's tempting to make New Year's pronouncements large-scale, but instead I want to offer you the simplest advice that helps me and that I suggest to clients: Ask yourself this: What one thing could I do between now and bedtime that would take 20 minutes at most and would leave me feeling better? For me it often involves physical movement, since like most people I sit too much. Sometimes it's tackling 15 minutes worth of backlogged paperwork, stopping myself when the timer goes off. Sometimes it's a phone call or an in-person interchange that tips a relationship back into balance. The scale of what our communities and nation face in 2017 quickly overwhelms me, but I can shift mood and momentum if I choose those three little words: What one thing...? Try it -- and may you find peace and fulfillment in the New Year!
It's tempting to make New Year's pronouncements large-scale, but instead I want to offer you the simplest advice that helps me and that I suggest to clients: Ask yourself this: What one thing could I do between now and bedtime that would take 20 minutes at most and would leave me feeling better? For me it often involves physical movement, since like most people I sit too much. Sometimes it's tackling 15 minutes worth of backlogged paperwork, stopping myself when the timer goes off. Sometimes it's a phone call or an in-person interchange that tips a relationship back into balance. The scale of what our communities and nation face in 2017 quickly overwhelms me, but I can shift mood and momentum if I choose those three little words: What one thing...? Try it -- and may you find peace and fulfillment in the New Year!
DECEMBER 2016: FINDING STEADFASTNESS TOGETHER
I've coached many disheartened leaders over the weeks since the election, people who say they don't know how they will channel hope and offer encouragement to those they lead. Turning to a favorite resource, Margaret Wheatley's book of short essays, Perseverance, I read this: "Steadfast people are firm in their resolve; they are not shaken by events or circumstances....It's fine for steadfast people to be in the minority. The world always and only changes from the actions and commitments of 'a small group of dedicated people,' as sociologist Margaret Mead stated.... Instead of being distracted by all the unsteadfast ones, we need to actively search for each other and expect we'll find us." Who are the steadfast people you can count on? Even public or historical figures qualify, if we faithfully read and listen to their words. How and with whom can you strengthen your own steadfastness?
I've coached many disheartened leaders over the weeks since the election, people who say they don't know how they will channel hope and offer encouragement to those they lead. Turning to a favorite resource, Margaret Wheatley's book of short essays, Perseverance, I read this: "Steadfast people are firm in their resolve; they are not shaken by events or circumstances....It's fine for steadfast people to be in the minority. The world always and only changes from the actions and commitments of 'a small group of dedicated people,' as sociologist Margaret Mead stated.... Instead of being distracted by all the unsteadfast ones, we need to actively search for each other and expect we'll find us." Who are the steadfast people you can count on? Even public or historical figures qualify, if we faithfully read and listen to their words. How and with whom can you strengthen your own steadfastness?
NOVEMBER 2016: KEEPING YOUR DISTANCE
Among the ways we manage anxiety, distancing is probably less damaging than blaming or gossip -- but we still need to be careful about how we use it. Healthy temporary distancing chosen consciously can be wise, for example to manage news of the approaching presidential election. I've paid attention as needed and mailed my ballot. I'll tune in November 8, but now I'm giving myself the break I need or my peace of mind and mood will suffer. But if I were to pull away from someone close to me because of tension between us, that unconscious anxiety reaction exacts a cost. As you survey your relationships, where are you keeping a temporary, necessary distance -- and where are you avoiding? How might you step closer and engage when you know hiding is counter-productive?
Among the ways we manage anxiety, distancing is probably less damaging than blaming or gossip -- but we still need to be careful about how we use it. Healthy temporary distancing chosen consciously can be wise, for example to manage news of the approaching presidential election. I've paid attention as needed and mailed my ballot. I'll tune in November 8, but now I'm giving myself the break I need or my peace of mind and mood will suffer. But if I were to pull away from someone close to me because of tension between us, that unconscious anxiety reaction exacts a cost. As you survey your relationships, where are you keeping a temporary, necessary distance -- and where are you avoiding? How might you step closer and engage when you know hiding is counter-productive?
OCTOBER 2016: KEEPING CALM WHEN THE INTERNET'S NOT ON
I've certainly noticed that current television commercial portraying people freaking out when they can't get online, even more so because of my own phone and Internet miseries (I'll spare you the specifics). Now that my services are, for now, at least not worse than they were before they went haywire, I was musing about what I think of as "annoyance strategies." When talking to someone at a call center, I manage my tone of voice partly by empathy (their job's not easy) and partly by strategic cheerfulness (I'm confident you can help me). In so many areas of life these days, we're not in control and we have to keep our goal in mind despite frustrating bureaucratic procedures or technological complications. Review your own annoyance strategies, and ask yourself how they're working. How do you pull yourself back from exploding? What might you try that would be more calming to your body and mind?
I've certainly noticed that current television commercial portraying people freaking out when they can't get online, even more so because of my own phone and Internet miseries (I'll spare you the specifics). Now that my services are, for now, at least not worse than they were before they went haywire, I was musing about what I think of as "annoyance strategies." When talking to someone at a call center, I manage my tone of voice partly by empathy (their job's not easy) and partly by strategic cheerfulness (I'm confident you can help me). In so many areas of life these days, we're not in control and we have to keep our goal in mind despite frustrating bureaucratic procedures or technological complications. Review your own annoyance strategies, and ask yourself how they're working. How do you pull yourself back from exploding? What might you try that would be more calming to your body and mind?
SEPTEMBER 2016: SANITY STRATEGY: "STOP DOING #3"
Here's the last (and most challenging) of the ideas for creative follow-through from Kenneth Atchity's book A Writer's Time. After telling people to stop doing things no one needs to do and stop doing things someone else will do if you stop doing them, he writes, "Stop doing things that aren't the kind only you can do." While grammatically strange, this sentence has been my guide for over twenty years. Don't get overly literal; of course no one's gifts are unique. It's the way you employ those gifts. Here are some clues to help you discover and further develop those "only you" attributes: What lights up your eyes? What is both hard work and huge fun? What makes people ask, How do you DO that? I've given hundreds of retreats over the decades, and creating and leading them answers all those questions. Of course I didn't know that at the beginning. Dare to say no to the ordinary options and go for what just might be your "only-you" choice.
Here's the last (and most challenging) of the ideas for creative follow-through from Kenneth Atchity's book A Writer's Time. After telling people to stop doing things no one needs to do and stop doing things someone else will do if you stop doing them, he writes, "Stop doing things that aren't the kind only you can do." While grammatically strange, this sentence has been my guide for over twenty years. Don't get overly literal; of course no one's gifts are unique. It's the way you employ those gifts. Here are some clues to help you discover and further develop those "only you" attributes: What lights up your eyes? What is both hard work and huge fun? What makes people ask, How do you DO that? I've given hundreds of retreats over the decades, and creating and leading them answers all those questions. Of course I didn't know that at the beginning. Dare to say no to the ordinary options and go for what just might be your "only-you" choice.
AUGUST 2016: SANITY STRATEGY: "STOP DOING #2"
As I mentioned last month, the ideas in Kenneth Atchity's book A Writer's Time apply to life as well as to getting your book done without losing your mind. Last month I addressed the first of his "stop doing" strategies, and here's the second one: "Stop doing things someone else will do if you stop doing them." I've heard every excuse for not delegating or allowing others to pick up the slack, primarily, "They won't do it as well as I would." Quite possibly true, but believing you're that indispensable is a recipe for burnout. Years ago I had two teenage daughters who changed clothes every five minutes and a then-husband who wore dress shirts needing ironing. At some point teaching full-time and doing laundry every spare minute was ruining my disposition. I announced I was done. My ex took his shirts to the cleaners and my daughters decided ironing was unnecessary. I didn't die. What are you ready to let others handle in their own way?
As I mentioned last month, the ideas in Kenneth Atchity's book A Writer's Time apply to life as well as to getting your book done without losing your mind. Last month I addressed the first of his "stop doing" strategies, and here's the second one: "Stop doing things someone else will do if you stop doing them." I've heard every excuse for not delegating or allowing others to pick up the slack, primarily, "They won't do it as well as I would." Quite possibly true, but believing you're that indispensable is a recipe for burnout. Years ago I had two teenage daughters who changed clothes every five minutes and a then-husband who wore dress shirts needing ironing. At some point teaching full-time and doing laundry every spare minute was ruining my disposition. I announced I was done. My ex took his shirts to the cleaners and my daughters decided ironing was unnecessary. I didn't die. What are you ready to let others handle in their own way?
JULY 2016: SANITY STRATEGY: "STOP DOING #1"
When I was under deadline for my family patterns book, my salvation arrived in the form of Kenneth Atchity's book A Writer's Time. Besides giving me a structure to get the manuscript draft done, he offered wisdom for life that has stuck with me. This month and the next two I'll focus on what I've called his "stop doings" -- maxims for finding both more time and more fulfillment. The first: "Stop doing things no one needs to do." Lately, I've focused on self-unkindness and catastrophic imagining as things none of us need to do. We learn very early to criticize ourselves before anyone else can, a well-meant but destructive legacy of our elders wanting us to be popular and successful. I've been teaching my Inner Critic class since the 1980s because it always seems to be needed. If you need to stop doing self-attack, check out Dr. Kristin Neff's work (www.self-compassion.org). Another legacy of our history is the tendency to imagine the worst, and despite the evolutionary value over millennia, scaring ourselves with our thoughts is most often simply debilitating. This month, choose one of these damaging habits and heighten your awareness. You can make a different choice.
When I was under deadline for my family patterns book, my salvation arrived in the form of Kenneth Atchity's book A Writer's Time. Besides giving me a structure to get the manuscript draft done, he offered wisdom for life that has stuck with me. This month and the next two I'll focus on what I've called his "stop doings" -- maxims for finding both more time and more fulfillment. The first: "Stop doing things no one needs to do." Lately, I've focused on self-unkindness and catastrophic imagining as things none of us need to do. We learn very early to criticize ourselves before anyone else can, a well-meant but destructive legacy of our elders wanting us to be popular and successful. I've been teaching my Inner Critic class since the 1980s because it always seems to be needed. If you need to stop doing self-attack, check out Dr. Kristin Neff's work (www.self-compassion.org). Another legacy of our history is the tendency to imagine the worst, and despite the evolutionary value over millennia, scaring ourselves with our thoughts is most often simply debilitating. This month, choose one of these damaging habits and heighten your awareness. You can make a different choice.
JUNE 2016: THE UNFAMILIAR VIRTUE OF RESTRAINT
Perhaps it was my friend's story of planning to write a relative a scorching letter in justified response to intolerance of his identity. Deciding to wait, he had no idea the relative would greet him and his partner at the family wedding with contrition and welcome. Perhaps it was both that story and the proliferation of crude and cruel public discourse, but I have been thinking about restraint. As Stephanie Dowrick puts it in Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love, "Restraint is not a habit. It is, every time it happens, an expression of your freedom to decide for yourself. An expression of your choice to act -- or not. Your choice to be true to what you believe is important, or not. Your choice to be loving and thoughtful about the social good, or not." This month, notice when restraint might be a wise choice and dare to make it.
Perhaps it was my friend's story of planning to write a relative a scorching letter in justified response to intolerance of his identity. Deciding to wait, he had no idea the relative would greet him and his partner at the family wedding with contrition and welcome. Perhaps it was both that story and the proliferation of crude and cruel public discourse, but I have been thinking about restraint. As Stephanie Dowrick puts it in Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love, "Restraint is not a habit. It is, every time it happens, an expression of your freedom to decide for yourself. An expression of your choice to act -- or not. Your choice to be true to what you believe is important, or not. Your choice to be loving and thoughtful about the social good, or not." This month, notice when restraint might be a wise choice and dare to make it.
MAY 2016: ENGAGING CONFLICT
In a group charged with choosing the most important qualities for an open position, I advocated for "willingness to engage conflict" but heard from others who feared that mentioning that would imply that the organization was troubled. Who, us, conflict -- no way! Even if that's true, however, we all have to decide about engaging conflict every day, both internally (Will I go to the gym or hit the snooze button?) and externally (Is no one going to speak up to this bully?). We can avoid, attack, or engage. Here are some guidelines:
* If you tend to avoid, weigh the short-term gain against the long-term loss.
* If you tend to charge in, remember that all oppositions are fueled by unaddressed fears. Be honest with yourself about yours.
* To engage, consider following what Susan Scott, author of Fierce Conversations, calls "her secret rule": Questions only, no declarative statements.
In a group charged with choosing the most important qualities for an open position, I advocated for "willingness to engage conflict" but heard from others who feared that mentioning that would imply that the organization was troubled. Who, us, conflict -- no way! Even if that's true, however, we all have to decide about engaging conflict every day, both internally (Will I go to the gym or hit the snooze button?) and externally (Is no one going to speak up to this bully?). We can avoid, attack, or engage. Here are some guidelines:
* If you tend to avoid, weigh the short-term gain against the long-term loss.
* If you tend to charge in, remember that all oppositions are fueled by unaddressed fears. Be honest with yourself about yours.
* To engage, consider following what Susan Scott, author of Fierce Conversations, calls "her secret rule": Questions only, no declarative statements.
APRIL 2016: HOPE AND FEAR TOGETHER
In my recent Stanford Continuing Studies class on Befriending Fear of Failure, I kept bumping into my own and the classmates' wishes that there be some final solution for fear. Then the terror attacks in Brussels made me wonder: How to balance the importance of knowing what's going on in the world and sending wishes for comfort for Belgians through mindfulness or prayer with the need to keep going, to live well even in perilous times? I keep files of quotes on various themes, and this sent me to my fat HOPE file, where I found this from activist Margaret Wheatley: "Contrary to our belief that hope and fear are opposites where one trumps the other, in reality they are a single package, bundled together as eternal, intimate partners. Fear is the necessary consequence of feeling hopeful again." Maybe the most effective, practical action is simply to track who's shown up at the moment and what that emotion calls for. For me, fear recedes when I take action and hope strengthens when I acknowledge that I'm not in control. How can you pay attention to these partners in the coming month?
In my recent Stanford Continuing Studies class on Befriending Fear of Failure, I kept bumping into my own and the classmates' wishes that there be some final solution for fear. Then the terror attacks in Brussels made me wonder: How to balance the importance of knowing what's going on in the world and sending wishes for comfort for Belgians through mindfulness or prayer with the need to keep going, to live well even in perilous times? I keep files of quotes on various themes, and this sent me to my fat HOPE file, where I found this from activist Margaret Wheatley: "Contrary to our belief that hope and fear are opposites where one trumps the other, in reality they are a single package, bundled together as eternal, intimate partners. Fear is the necessary consequence of feeling hopeful again." Maybe the most effective, practical action is simply to track who's shown up at the moment and what that emotion calls for. For me, fear recedes when I take action and hope strengthens when I acknowledge that I'm not in control. How can you pay attention to these partners in the coming month?
MARCH 2016: BEWARE THE NOCEBO EFFECT!
We're familiar with the placebo effect -- believing that an intervention will help us increasing the chance that we will feel better -- but the nocebo effect has equally important consequences. If we believe we are about to become ill, writes Jo Marchant, the author of Cure: A Journey into the Science of Mind Over Body, we will get sick -- the nocebo effect. She continues, "The more threatening we perceive our surroundings to be, the more sensitive we are to such symptoms." Do you say to yourself, "I didn't sleep well, I'll be too tired to go out tonight" or "That meeting always gives me a headache" or "I have an insane week coming up, I'll be a basket case"? You would be wise to remember the nocebo effect and stop yourself from predicting what you'd prefer not to experience.
We're familiar with the placebo effect -- believing that an intervention will help us increasing the chance that we will feel better -- but the nocebo effect has equally important consequences. If we believe we are about to become ill, writes Jo Marchant, the author of Cure: A Journey into the Science of Mind Over Body, we will get sick -- the nocebo effect. She continues, "The more threatening we perceive our surroundings to be, the more sensitive we are to such symptoms." Do you say to yourself, "I didn't sleep well, I'll be too tired to go out tonight" or "That meeting always gives me a headache" or "I have an insane week coming up, I'll be a basket case"? You would be wise to remember the nocebo effect and stop yourself from predicting what you'd prefer not to experience.
FEBRUARY 2106: WHAT ARE YOUR CRITERIA QUESTIONS?My clients always teach me, and recently one described how she assesses possible avenues for action with a series of questions that set criteria for the best use of her time and talents. Will it bring me joy? Will I learn something useful? Those were two of hers. Here are a few that came to mind for myself; read over them and generate your own. Questions help us steer a wise course; make sure you're asking the right ones for this time.
- Will I sleep better if I do this?
- Will I worry less?
- Will it make me kinder?
- Might it give me courage to face what I'm avoiding?
JANUARY 2016: A DAY LIKE ANY OTHER
You may have seen this commercial: A voice intones, "It was a day like any other...." and you hear the oldies song "California Dreaming" and then the words "until it wasn't." Did peace break out? No, you may become that lucky someone who wins the California state lottery! Of course, research shows that lottery winners are no happier six months after their big win than before, but my point is that a "day like any other" is an incredible blessing. If you are healthy and well-off enough to take ordinary days for granted, begin the year by asking yourself what makes a day like any other special. Express gratitude, do more of what you love, savor hot water, laughter, and the freedom to air your opinions. Happy 2016!
You may have seen this commercial: A voice intones, "It was a day like any other...." and you hear the oldies song "California Dreaming" and then the words "until it wasn't." Did peace break out? No, you may become that lucky someone who wins the California state lottery! Of course, research shows that lottery winners are no happier six months after their big win than before, but my point is that a "day like any other" is an incredible blessing. If you are healthy and well-off enough to take ordinary days for granted, begin the year by asking yourself what makes a day like any other special. Express gratitude, do more of what you love, savor hot water, laughter, and the freedom to air your opinions. Happy 2016!
DECEMBER 2015: BEING UNENCUMBERED
"Each person is born with an unencumbered spot, free of expectation and regret, free of ambition and embarrassment, free of fear and worry, an umbilical spot of grace," writes physician-author Rachel Naomi Remen. I came across this quote in one of my quotation folders of long-collected nuggets. I titled this folder GRACE/WONDER, and both of this month's offerings came from my turning to it for solace and wisdom in the midst of global bad news. Remen continues, "It is this spot of grace that issues peace." When I am under the illusion that hard work or right choices will ensure security or success, words such as this bring me to my senses. As I shed my illusions of control, I find rest for my spirit. May you return to your own unencumbered spot often as you move through these last weeks of the year!
"Each person is born with an unencumbered spot, free of expectation and regret, free of ambition and embarrassment, free of fear and worry, an umbilical spot of grace," writes physician-author Rachel Naomi Remen. I came across this quote in one of my quotation folders of long-collected nuggets. I titled this folder GRACE/WONDER, and both of this month's offerings came from my turning to it for solace and wisdom in the midst of global bad news. Remen continues, "It is this spot of grace that issues peace." When I am under the illusion that hard work or right choices will ensure security or success, words such as this bring me to my senses. As I shed my illusions of control, I find rest for my spirit. May you return to your own unencumbered spot often as you move through these last weeks of the year!
NOVEMBER 2015: CHOOSING GROWTH
"Every day the decision comes back to us: Choose growth or security -- you cannot have both." These words from Jungian analyst James Hollis's book What Matters Most came to mind as I studied photos of refugees fleeing Syria and other places made uninhabitable by violence. Their determination, courage, and endurance humble me. People in the nations that receive them face the same daily choice, as their homelands will be changed by the newcomers. Here in a life that is secure by the world's standards, we can more easily ignore the imperative to choose growth, but at a cost to our character. At this season of harvest and thanksgiving, how would you describe your growing edge? What daily choices would support it? How will you remember to make them?
"Every day the decision comes back to us: Choose growth or security -- you cannot have both." These words from Jungian analyst James Hollis's book What Matters Most came to mind as I studied photos of refugees fleeing Syria and other places made uninhabitable by violence. Their determination, courage, and endurance humble me. People in the nations that receive them face the same daily choice, as their homelands will be changed by the newcomers. Here in a life that is secure by the world's standards, we can more easily ignore the imperative to choose growth, but at a cost to our character. At this season of harvest and thanksgiving, how would you describe your growing edge? What daily choices would support it? How will you remember to make them?
OCTOBER 2015: MULTI-TASKING MAKES YOU STUPID!
I'm as prone as anyone to believing that I can do two things at once -- and I can, just not well. If I had doubts about that, research findings from various scientists quoted in Daniel Levitin's new book, The Organized Mind, forced me to reassess my habits. For instance, if you're trying to focus on getting something done, and you know an unread email is waiting, your IQ goes down 10 points. Further, research shows multi-tasking:
* while learning new information "causes the new information to go to the wrong part of the brain"
* "creates a dopamine-addiction feedback loop, rewarding the brain for losing focus"
* "increases the stress hormone cortisol and the fight-or-flight hormone adrenaline":
* "depletes the nutrients in the brain" so we feel "exhausted and disoriented"
Just say no to multi-tasking!
I'm as prone as anyone to believing that I can do two things at once -- and I can, just not well. If I had doubts about that, research findings from various scientists quoted in Daniel Levitin's new book, The Organized Mind, forced me to reassess my habits. For instance, if you're trying to focus on getting something done, and you know an unread email is waiting, your IQ goes down 10 points. Further, research shows multi-tasking:
* while learning new information "causes the new information to go to the wrong part of the brain"
* "creates a dopamine-addiction feedback loop, rewarding the brain for losing focus"
* "increases the stress hormone cortisol and the fight-or-flight hormone adrenaline":
* "depletes the nutrients in the brain" so we feel "exhausted and disoriented"
Just say no to multi-tasking!
SEPTEMBER 2015: THE PRACTICE OF BELONGING
I recently helped lead a retreat up at Lake Tahoe where the presenter, Nigerian-American author Enuma Okoro, chose as her theme, "Seeking Home and the Practice of Belonging." Raised on three different continents, Enuma said the theme came out of her own experience, but it resonated for all of us as well. Do you practice belonging? Do you consciously choose to seek out "your people" and contribute to a sense of comfort and joy in each other's talents, temperaments, and interests? Even with LinkedIn and Facebook, our connections may not fill our need for community. As I heard Toni Morrison say in a recently-aired interview, when we get older our circles shrink. Also, various circumstances -- job loss, divorce, moving -- also can create a narrowing. Dare to look at your own practice of belonging, and see if you can connect more authentically and deeply.
I recently helped lead a retreat up at Lake Tahoe where the presenter, Nigerian-American author Enuma Okoro, chose as her theme, "Seeking Home and the Practice of Belonging." Raised on three different continents, Enuma said the theme came out of her own experience, but it resonated for all of us as well. Do you practice belonging? Do you consciously choose to seek out "your people" and contribute to a sense of comfort and joy in each other's talents, temperaments, and interests? Even with LinkedIn and Facebook, our connections may not fill our need for community. As I heard Toni Morrison say in a recently-aired interview, when we get older our circles shrink. Also, various circumstances -- job loss, divorce, moving -- also can create a narrowing. Dare to look at your own practice of belonging, and see if you can connect more authentically and deeply.
AUGUST 2015: THIS IS NOT HIDE-AND-SEEK
In her book Playing Big, leadership coach Tara Mohr identifies various hiding strategies, "the ways we stall on and talk ourselves out of the very steps that would bring us more fulfillment and enable us to have more positive impact in the world." I recognized myself in her very first example, which she calls "This before That." It's not that I'm not going to abandon my goal, but first I need to... answer all my emails, clean out that closet, do more research on the topic, talk to an expert... and so it goes. Of course it's fear that's behind my temporizing, so if I want to come out of hiding, I'd better break down my goal into small, unthreatening actions so I feel safer as I make progress. Are you ready to inch your way out of hiding? Am I?
In her book Playing Big, leadership coach Tara Mohr identifies various hiding strategies, "the ways we stall on and talk ourselves out of the very steps that would bring us more fulfillment and enable us to have more positive impact in the world." I recognized myself in her very first example, which she calls "This before That." It's not that I'm not going to abandon my goal, but first I need to... answer all my emails, clean out that closet, do more research on the topic, talk to an expert... and so it goes. Of course it's fear that's behind my temporizing, so if I want to come out of hiding, I'd better break down my goal into small, unthreatening actions so I feel safer as I make progress. Are you ready to inch your way out of hiding? Am I?
JULY 2015: I'M GLAD TO BE WRONG
Twice now I've said, "Not in my lifetime" and been wrong. I doubted that this nation would elect a black President, and I was sure that marriage rights for all would not be granted, at least that I would live to see either. Will I be wrong about our readiness for a woman President? What a trifecta that would be! As I write this, torn by joy at breakthroughs and despondent over hate-crime terrorism, I first need to remember these words from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr: "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice." And then I need to challenge myself to see how I can bend my own mind away from judgment and passivity. I've signed up for a Stanford Continuing Studies course on compassion and altruism, and I hope the techniques we'll be taught will help me root out those vestiges of hard-heartedness that keep me reactive to those who threaten me and doubtful that I can be a contribution. What small step might you consider taking in this historic time?
Twice now I've said, "Not in my lifetime" and been wrong. I doubted that this nation would elect a black President, and I was sure that marriage rights for all would not be granted, at least that I would live to see either. Will I be wrong about our readiness for a woman President? What a trifecta that would be! As I write this, torn by joy at breakthroughs and despondent over hate-crime terrorism, I first need to remember these words from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr: "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice." And then I need to challenge myself to see how I can bend my own mind away from judgment and passivity. I've signed up for a Stanford Continuing Studies course on compassion and altruism, and I hope the techniques we'll be taught will help me root out those vestiges of hard-heartedness that keep me reactive to those who threaten me and doubtful that I can be a contribution. What small step might you consider taking in this historic time?
JUNE 2015: STRESS IS HELPFUL?
I'm a big champion of the research on resilience, but I hadn't heard of a 1998 study of 30,000 U.S. adults who were asked about their stress level in the past year and whether they believed their stress was hurting their health. You'd think that 8 years later, the people who died would be those with the highest stress -- yet that applied only to those who believed stress was harming them! This study underlies the important new book The Upside of Stress by Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal. It is possible to change the beliefs you hold about stress in your life and your body's hormones will respond as if challenged instead of threatened. Sound unbelievable? Start noticing how you think and speak about your stress and give yourself the gift of this book.
I'm a big champion of the research on resilience, but I hadn't heard of a 1998 study of 30,000 U.S. adults who were asked about their stress level in the past year and whether they believed their stress was hurting their health. You'd think that 8 years later, the people who died would be those with the highest stress -- yet that applied only to those who believed stress was harming them! This study underlies the important new book The Upside of Stress by Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal. It is possible to change the beliefs you hold about stress in your life and your body's hormones will respond as if challenged instead of threatened. Sound unbelievable? Start noticing how you think and speak about your stress and give yourself the gift of this book.
MAY 2015: RECLAIM A JOY
Even though I played the piano from before I could reach the pedals until my early twenties, I gave it up for what seemed like the right reason at the time -- I'd married a serious pianist. Now I sing in a choir and a community chorus and after months wishing I could practice my notes, I edged my way into buying a digital piano. Arrived yesterday, still in its shipping box, it has already brought me joy in anticipation. What did you used to love that you stopped doing? In Central Park last week, a young couple was turning jump ropes and yelling at passersby to jump in and try Double Dutch. ”It's good for your brain!" one called out. But the awkward adults who dared to try it didn't look like they were doing it for good neurological results -- they were grinning with remembered joy. What will you bring back into your life this month?
Even though I played the piano from before I could reach the pedals until my early twenties, I gave it up for what seemed like the right reason at the time -- I'd married a serious pianist. Now I sing in a choir and a community chorus and after months wishing I could practice my notes, I edged my way into buying a digital piano. Arrived yesterday, still in its shipping box, it has already brought me joy in anticipation. What did you used to love that you stopped doing? In Central Park last week, a young couple was turning jump ropes and yelling at passersby to jump in and try Double Dutch. ”It's good for your brain!" one called out. But the awkward adults who dared to try it didn't look like they were doing it for good neurological results -- they were grinning with remembered joy. What will you bring back into your life this month?
APRIL 2015: WHICH ITCH ARE YOU TRYING TO SCRATCH?
"We can't keep it in stock," commented the clerk at my local indie bookstore about self-help author Gretchen Rubin's new book on habit change, Better Than Before. I can't speak to that book, but I find that becoming aware of the underlying need behind a habit is key to assessing how to change it. You may think it's a food craving that drives you to buy Cheetos in the afternoon at your workplace cafeteria, but if you're really hungry for a change of scene or a friendly conversation, you won't design the right intervention. Assess your habits in light of these questions: Do I do this because I'm restless? Bored? Frustrated? Anxious? Lonely? Depleted? Needing reassurance? Once you're clear on the motivating force behind the habit, you're better equipped to get what you really need. Want more? Check out Rubin's book or Charles Duhigg's The Power of Habit.
"We can't keep it in stock," commented the clerk at my local indie bookstore about self-help author Gretchen Rubin's new book on habit change, Better Than Before. I can't speak to that book, but I find that becoming aware of the underlying need behind a habit is key to assessing how to change it. You may think it's a food craving that drives you to buy Cheetos in the afternoon at your workplace cafeteria, but if you're really hungry for a change of scene or a friendly conversation, you won't design the right intervention. Assess your habits in light of these questions: Do I do this because I'm restless? Bored? Frustrated? Anxious? Lonely? Depleted? Needing reassurance? Once you're clear on the motivating force behind the habit, you're better equipped to get what you really need. Want more? Check out Rubin's book or Charles Duhigg's The Power of Habit.
MARCH 2015: JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD AT IT...
Are you leaning too hard on your strengths? Paradoxically, our character strengths and natural abilities become liabilities when overused. I'm pretty intuitive and can usually read a situation well, but if I act without checking out what I've picked up, I tend to blunder. I do better not to assume too much without asking. Someone who's strong in kindness and generosity can wear herself out trying to make things right for others. She may need to learn the strength of setting boundaries and limits. For some years now, I've been using (and have mentioned in these monthly tips) a well-designed inventory measuring 24 psycho-social strengths. If you've never taken it -- and it's free -- go to www.authentichappiness.org and under Questionnaires, take the VIA Survey of Character Strengths. Research shows you can develop some of your mid-range strengths to balance out over-use of your top ones. Strength training works!
Are you leaning too hard on your strengths? Paradoxically, our character strengths and natural abilities become liabilities when overused. I'm pretty intuitive and can usually read a situation well, but if I act without checking out what I've picked up, I tend to blunder. I do better not to assume too much without asking. Someone who's strong in kindness and generosity can wear herself out trying to make things right for others. She may need to learn the strength of setting boundaries and limits. For some years now, I've been using (and have mentioned in these monthly tips) a well-designed inventory measuring 24 psycho-social strengths. If you've never taken it -- and it's free -- go to www.authentichappiness.org and under Questionnaires, take the VIA Survey of Character Strengths. Research shows you can develop some of your mid-range strengths to balance out over-use of your top ones. Strength training works!
FEBRUARY 2015: DON'T OCCUPY A FAILED STATE
In political speeches, I keep hearing that some beleaguered nation is "a failed state," and one day when I was not having a good day, I thought, "I'm in a failed state. I'm discouraged and expecting the worst." I remembered then that I'm teaching a class soon at Stanford Continuing Studies on "Befriending Fear of Failure" -- so how could I befriend my failed state? Friends listen without judging. As I tried to listen to myself that way, I heard that there was one delayed action I needed to take and was ashamed of not taking. As soon as I did that -- and it only took about 15 minutes -- I was no longer in a failed state. What one small thing do you need to do so you don't fall into a failed state?
In political speeches, I keep hearing that some beleaguered nation is "a failed state," and one day when I was not having a good day, I thought, "I'm in a failed state. I'm discouraged and expecting the worst." I remembered then that I'm teaching a class soon at Stanford Continuing Studies on "Befriending Fear of Failure" -- so how could I befriend my failed state? Friends listen without judging. As I tried to listen to myself that way, I heard that there was one delayed action I needed to take and was ashamed of not taking. As soon as I did that -- and it only took about 15 minutes -- I was no longer in a failed state. What one small thing do you need to do so you don't fall into a failed state?
JANUARY 2015: DON'T TRACK OUT PAST TODAY
The trouble with the convention that January 1 marks a New Year -- significant, worth capitalizing -- is that we think things now have to be different in a big way. We'll meditate daily, go the gym three times a week, clean out that closet. I like the poet Rumi's wisdom: "Today, like every other day, we wake up lonely and scared." He goes on to suggest, "Let the beauty we love be what we do." The beauty of a single day is that there is only so much that can fit in it. No matter how you woke up today, don't make big plans. Find the beauty in this day.
The trouble with the convention that January 1 marks a New Year -- significant, worth capitalizing -- is that we think things now have to be different in a big way. We'll meditate daily, go the gym three times a week, clean out that closet. I like the poet Rumi's wisdom: "Today, like every other day, we wake up lonely and scared." He goes on to suggest, "Let the beauty we love be what we do." The beauty of a single day is that there is only so much that can fit in it. No matter how you woke up today, don't make big plans. Find the beauty in this day.
DECEMBER 2014: YOUR WELL BEING DEPENDS ON THIS
Rushing out to my car for one final load to bring in, I see my 88-year-old neighbor Sam approaching on his walker. His face lights up, and he greets me by name, asks what I'm doing for the holiday. We exchange some conversation, and I walk back to my condo, no longer rushing, smiling. I've just had my health improved by what psychologist Barbara Frederickson calls "positivity resonance." She explains that when two people, even strangers, synch up for a moment of shared connection -- a laugh with the grocery checker, a few comments at the dog park, a phone call from an old friend -- "your cells get the message....The world you face each day will forever present you with a wild mix of good and bad news. By nature's design, your body is equipped to handle it all -- to defend against true threats and to uncover and create nourishing micro-moments of love, not just with mates and kin, but perhaps most consequentially, with those outside your family circle." Are you noticing, making the most of, and seeking out these micro-moments of shared connection? I wish you many of them, this season and beyond.
Rushing out to my car for one final load to bring in, I see my 88-year-old neighbor Sam approaching on his walker. His face lights up, and he greets me by name, asks what I'm doing for the holiday. We exchange some conversation, and I walk back to my condo, no longer rushing, smiling. I've just had my health improved by what psychologist Barbara Frederickson calls "positivity resonance." She explains that when two people, even strangers, synch up for a moment of shared connection -- a laugh with the grocery checker, a few comments at the dog park, a phone call from an old friend -- "your cells get the message....The world you face each day will forever present you with a wild mix of good and bad news. By nature's design, your body is equipped to handle it all -- to defend against true threats and to uncover and create nourishing micro-moments of love, not just with mates and kin, but perhaps most consequentially, with those outside your family circle." Are you noticing, making the most of, and seeking out these micro-moments of shared connection? I wish you many of them, this season and beyond.
NOVEMBER 2014: WHAT DO YOU TREASURE?
Reading an introduction to a recent book, I came across the phrase, "treasures of life," and I realized that the word "treasure" itself is rich with meaning, if we stop and inquire. I may want a whole lot of things, may convince myself I need certain other items, am glad I possess other things -- but what I treasure is in its own category. What do you hold so dear that you treasure it? I know a colleague who would answer "independence," a friend who would say "good health," and a relative who would say "the ability to laugh in tough times." Take a few moments and bring to mind a handful of your treasures. Holding them in your awareness, see how your day changes.
Reading an introduction to a recent book, I came across the phrase, "treasures of life," and I realized that the word "treasure" itself is rich with meaning, if we stop and inquire. I may want a whole lot of things, may convince myself I need certain other items, am glad I possess other things -- but what I treasure is in its own category. What do you hold so dear that you treasure it? I know a colleague who would answer "independence," a friend who would say "good health," and a relative who would say "the ability to laugh in tough times." Take a few moments and bring to mind a handful of your treasures. Holding them in your awareness, see how your day changes.
OCTOBER 2014: TENDING OUR CONNECTIONS
Replying to someone worried about the success of an endeavor, the monk Thomas Merton wrote, "Do not depend on the hope of results....In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything." Obviously, this is counterintuitive as coaching advice from the standard perspective where goal achievement rules. I find the statement comforting, however, and not just because I am a "people person." The lasting changes I've seen in others and in myself have come about because of the witness or presence of another. Someone deeply entrenched in the belief that gays are immoral gets to know a gay man in her small group at a retreat and drops a lifetime of bias. A woman living with cancer says that her life is sustained by the care of those she was too afraid to reach out to before she fell ill. Are you making enough space in your life for the personal relationships that matter most to you? Don't waste time feeling guilty, just set up a walk or a meal with someone you value.
Replying to someone worried about the success of an endeavor, the monk Thomas Merton wrote, "Do not depend on the hope of results....In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything." Obviously, this is counterintuitive as coaching advice from the standard perspective where goal achievement rules. I find the statement comforting, however, and not just because I am a "people person." The lasting changes I've seen in others and in myself have come about because of the witness or presence of another. Someone deeply entrenched in the belief that gays are immoral gets to know a gay man in her small group at a retreat and drops a lifetime of bias. A woman living with cancer says that her life is sustained by the care of those she was too afraid to reach out to before she fell ill. Are you making enough space in your life for the personal relationships that matter most to you? Don't waste time feeling guilty, just set up a walk or a meal with someone you value.
SEPTEMBER 2014: AT LEAST FOR TODAY
I've been helped in times of discouragement by recalling the opening line of a poem called "Decision" by Myra Sklarew: "I have decided to continue with my life/at least for today." She goes on, "After all, someone is needed to put on the coffee," and describes what she will do to make a fresh start. Haven't you hovered on that edge many times, feeling down and wondering how to summon the effort? And then somehow you make a turn into resolve: "At least I can do this one thing..." and your mood has shifted. Write to describe one of those every-day moments that our lives depend on, letting the details render the shift. Here's one of mine: "I looked out at the bay with dull eyes and saw a single pelican flying arrow-straight across the mist, its bill a statement of intent. I stood up to do what needed to be done."
AUGUST 2014: WE DO HAVE CHOICES
I was skimming Daniel Goleman's new book Focus in search of an idea for this month's tip when I came upon a list of questions "designed to provoke a person to reflect on his or her level of mindfulness" and read "Are you skimming this book?" Guilty! As I looked over the other questions -- including "Do you have trouble remembering what someone has just told you?" and "Do you have no memory of your morning commute?" -- and realized that I was searching in a book for what is only available if I stop, breathe, and notice what is right here, right now. Out my window, San Francisco Bay the color of guacamole. My muscles, itching for a walk I'd planned for later today. What's your reality right now as you read this? Will you notice what you need and act on it? Stop, breathe, notice -- try it. I'm off for a walk.
JULY 2014: I CAN'T BE WRONG!
But I was. For a year I've been announcing the dates of my fall 2014 women's retreat as September 5-7, only to discover that all along it has been scheduled with the retreat center for September 12-14. There's even a December 2012 email from me confirming that which the retreat manager found in his files. "Error-blindness" is the term for the unfortunate fact that our mistakes are invisible to us until we are no longer, technically, in error, because we or someone else points out the fallacy. How can we more gracefully deal with the fact that we are, in the words of a bluegrass song, "frequently wrong but never in doubt"? Here are three tips for help in times of embarrassing but non-catastrophic errors:
1) Remind yourself that others will seldom be as upset about it or inconvenienced by it as you are
2) Make a good story about it that you can tell at your own expense
3) Invoke the words of the late great family therapist Virginia Satir, "Nobody died."
JUNE 2014: WHAT HELPS YOU PRESERVE?
Shrugging off my apology to the shoe store manager for taking so much time, he asked, "Do you know how many people have been in the store since you arrived? Thirty-eight people! Not everyone sits down or buys, but everyone looks around, and I track the numbers all day long. Sold X pairs but Y people came in, and some will be back. I count so I never get discouraged." I was quite inspired by this energetic guy, and I'm sure his example was part of inspiring me to buy 4 pairs of shoes! What tricks or techniques do you use to keep the small stuff in perspective with the big picture? I asked four other people how they do it and heard "Remind myself that emotions pass" -- "Talk to someone who knows my faults and loves me anyway" -- "Laughter is the best tension reliever, and then I can keep going" -- "Make progress on something, anything, for 15 minutes." How about you? Notice what allows you to keep your attention fixed on what matters most in the long run. Do more of that thing!
MAY 2014: IS IT REALLY WHAT IT IS?
San Francisco Chronicle columnist Jon Carroll recently wrote a piece questioning the popularity of the saying, "It is what it is." Someone I'm very close to received a necklace for her birthday with those very words, in silver. What's the effect of saying "It is what it is"? It's tricky, I think. If saying that when faced with something challenging frees you to do what you can and endure the rest, then it's helpful. But sometimes it's said grimly, dismissively, or helplessly. As the sage Ramakrishna put it, "The winds of grace are always blowing, but you have to raise the sail." This month, examine your own automatic responses to obstacles and challenges. Even if all you can do is to let go of control, aim for that rather than closing off possibility. What is is always on the way to being something else -- not necessarily something worse!
APRIL 2014: ME? A PHILANTHROPIST?
Whether you think of yourself as generous or not, chances are you don't self-identify as a philanthropist, one who gives money or time for others' well-being. That's reserved for rich people, right? Not necessarily. Research found that people who frequently use Freecycle, the website where people offer unneeded items at no charge, feel strongly identified with that community and receive benefits of mood and motivation not shared by people who buy or sell items or services on Craigslist. No matter the size of your resources of money, energy, and time, noticing how many of your everyday actions are philanthropic can be eye-opening. Holding a door for the next person, listening well to a friend, giving a generous tip for good service, praising a colleague in front of her manager -- these are all acts of generosity that benefit others and lift your spirits in the bargain.
Try it: Claim the name, and let your philanthropy blossom!
Check back here at the first of each month for a new coaching tip.
I've been helped in times of discouragement by recalling the opening line of a poem called "Decision" by Myra Sklarew: "I have decided to continue with my life/at least for today." She goes on, "After all, someone is needed to put on the coffee," and describes what she will do to make a fresh start. Haven't you hovered on that edge many times, feeling down and wondering how to summon the effort? And then somehow you make a turn into resolve: "At least I can do this one thing..." and your mood has shifted. Write to describe one of those every-day moments that our lives depend on, letting the details render the shift. Here's one of mine: "I looked out at the bay with dull eyes and saw a single pelican flying arrow-straight across the mist, its bill a statement of intent. I stood up to do what needed to be done."
AUGUST 2014: WE DO HAVE CHOICES
I was skimming Daniel Goleman's new book Focus in search of an idea for this month's tip when I came upon a list of questions "designed to provoke a person to reflect on his or her level of mindfulness" and read "Are you skimming this book?" Guilty! As I looked over the other questions -- including "Do you have trouble remembering what someone has just told you?" and "Do you have no memory of your morning commute?" -- and realized that I was searching in a book for what is only available if I stop, breathe, and notice what is right here, right now. Out my window, San Francisco Bay the color of guacamole. My muscles, itching for a walk I'd planned for later today. What's your reality right now as you read this? Will you notice what you need and act on it? Stop, breathe, notice -- try it. I'm off for a walk.
JULY 2014: I CAN'T BE WRONG!
But I was. For a year I've been announcing the dates of my fall 2014 women's retreat as September 5-7, only to discover that all along it has been scheduled with the retreat center for September 12-14. There's even a December 2012 email from me confirming that which the retreat manager found in his files. "Error-blindness" is the term for the unfortunate fact that our mistakes are invisible to us until we are no longer, technically, in error, because we or someone else points out the fallacy. How can we more gracefully deal with the fact that we are, in the words of a bluegrass song, "frequently wrong but never in doubt"? Here are three tips for help in times of embarrassing but non-catastrophic errors:
1) Remind yourself that others will seldom be as upset about it or inconvenienced by it as you are
2) Make a good story about it that you can tell at your own expense
3) Invoke the words of the late great family therapist Virginia Satir, "Nobody died."
JUNE 2014: WHAT HELPS YOU PRESERVE?
Shrugging off my apology to the shoe store manager for taking so much time, he asked, "Do you know how many people have been in the store since you arrived? Thirty-eight people! Not everyone sits down or buys, but everyone looks around, and I track the numbers all day long. Sold X pairs but Y people came in, and some will be back. I count so I never get discouraged." I was quite inspired by this energetic guy, and I'm sure his example was part of inspiring me to buy 4 pairs of shoes! What tricks or techniques do you use to keep the small stuff in perspective with the big picture? I asked four other people how they do it and heard "Remind myself that emotions pass" -- "Talk to someone who knows my faults and loves me anyway" -- "Laughter is the best tension reliever, and then I can keep going" -- "Make progress on something, anything, for 15 minutes." How about you? Notice what allows you to keep your attention fixed on what matters most in the long run. Do more of that thing!
MAY 2014: IS IT REALLY WHAT IT IS?
San Francisco Chronicle columnist Jon Carroll recently wrote a piece questioning the popularity of the saying, "It is what it is." Someone I'm very close to received a necklace for her birthday with those very words, in silver. What's the effect of saying "It is what it is"? It's tricky, I think. If saying that when faced with something challenging frees you to do what you can and endure the rest, then it's helpful. But sometimes it's said grimly, dismissively, or helplessly. As the sage Ramakrishna put it, "The winds of grace are always blowing, but you have to raise the sail." This month, examine your own automatic responses to obstacles and challenges. Even if all you can do is to let go of control, aim for that rather than closing off possibility. What is is always on the way to being something else -- not necessarily something worse!
APRIL 2014: ME? A PHILANTHROPIST?
Whether you think of yourself as generous or not, chances are you don't self-identify as a philanthropist, one who gives money or time for others' well-being. That's reserved for rich people, right? Not necessarily. Research found that people who frequently use Freecycle, the website where people offer unneeded items at no charge, feel strongly identified with that community and receive benefits of mood and motivation not shared by people who buy or sell items or services on Craigslist. No matter the size of your resources of money, energy, and time, noticing how many of your everyday actions are philanthropic can be eye-opening. Holding a door for the next person, listening well to a friend, giving a generous tip for good service, praising a colleague in front of her manager -- these are all acts of generosity that benefit others and lift your spirits in the bargain.
Try it: Claim the name, and let your philanthropy blossom!
Check back here at the first of each month for a new coaching tip.